Category: Dating and Relationships
Lately I have been hearing the term meaningful relationship. People say “I don’t want to get involved with someone unless the relationship is meaningful.” Or they say, “I want something meaningful, I just don’t want to date.”
How does a like a person, get to meaningful, before the first date?
A couple meets. Maybe it is online, or even in person. If online, and at a distance, they just have a few conversations, and decide they like each other’s opinions on the few subjects they’ve discussed, or they want someone in their lives, and the other person is available, and interesting.
In person you add the fact you have actually met them or spent some time in their presents, so have the rest of the picture. You know you for sure like them physically, and that they measure up to your standards as to someone you’d like to get close to.
You agree to be close, but here is the thing I ask? On the day of that agreement is the relationship meaningful?
In our quest to have someone part of our lives, do we put on blinders to the fact that relationships can’t possible start out as meaningful, despite the fact both parties in the agreement want something meaningful?
Let’s look at the online part. A few conversations are had, and you are officially dating, and spend much time on the phone, emailing, and texting each other. It feels good, and the conversations, and messages make you happy. You’ve got someone, and your someone has you.
You make the plan, pay the fair, and connect in person, and discover, “he doesn’t brush his teeth on a daily bases, or, she isn’t tidy at all and just drops her clothes and everything were it falls.
You learn that many of the discussions you’ve had were nice, but in actuality aren’t necessarily the persons opinions or desires on subjects, such as intimacy, or child care, religion.
You have given yourself to them by this time, and maybe several times before the issues arise you learn you can’t accept.
On the personal, you go out a few times on top of the other stuff, but after a few dates you learn your person has some things about them you can’t accept as well.
You thought they brushed their teeth, but you have been noticing whenever you meet they haven’t, not from smell, but because you’ve never noticed them doing it. The place they live is always a mess when you get there, and they have a thing going with the family they can’t stop talking about, or an exe they won’t let go. You hear fazes like “Jim and I would, or Susan never liked.”
What happens next? Now that we have given ourselves physically, and mentally, what about the human problem of not being able to predict the future? Was the relationship we have that only lasted a week online, or, off line meaningful?
Do we keep ourselves from enjoying life, because we are waiting on a situation that is actually a ghost emotion?
Was the relationship I described meaningful, because we wanted them to be, or were they just basic dates we were avoiding?
It is my opinion that meaningful develops and is not had immediately. I also think that dating, and getting to know a person is the only way we get to meaningful, not by saying we want it.
What do you think?
I feel that there is a difference between a relationship becoming serious, and it being meaningful.
I'll first explain my reasoning as to why I feel every relationship is meaningful. When I choose to date somebody, there is a reason behind why, in other words a meaning. And even if it doesn't go well, there was still some meaning behind the relationship. You learn what went well, what didn't go so well, and what to do better next time if you had any fault.
What it appears you are asking is that should every relationship you get involved with be taken serious and with a strong amount of commitment, and that there is no difference between that and meaningfulness, of which I would disagree. Please clarify.
no, I don't think relationships are meaningful from the start. as you said, Wayne, for anything to be meaningful, it takes time. time to get to know the person, time to figure out if you can really mesh with them, ETC. you can want something meaningful, but there's a difference between wanting it, and it actually becoming reality.
Ryan. What I mean is is how Chelsea frazed it.
You say all your relationships are meaningful, because you get in to them for a reason right?
Does that reason make them meaningful?
Are they the perfect one until they go bad?
Suppose you meet a woman, and you like her voice, and they way she looks. These are your reasons for wanting to know her better right? I am not talking about wanting to be her friend, but date her as your girlfriend, or lover, or whatever term you assign such things. Is the fact you like her meaningful?
Do we place to much weight on meaningful, when what we want is company?
Are all relationships meaningful at the start?
Why is it important for relationships to be meaningful? Are they honestly, or are they just lust, need, or want of companionship?
oh, and, yes, I do think the phrase "meaningful relationship" is often confused with wanting companionship, or perhaps just someone a person is lusting after.
as I've said elsewhere, I believe that if people took time to truly get to know themselves, they'd come to realize that what they once interpreted as meaningful, was solely lust, or due to not assessing things right from the start, as to what's important to them/what they truly need in a partner.
I have expressed similar feelings elsewhere on the boards about this, but my basic opinion is pretty much in line with what post 2 said. Something can have meaning for you and still not turn out right. Any experience you have, whether good or bad, can turn out to be meaningful because you learned something from it.
maybe you rush into a relationship, because you want companionship, or sex, but just as quickly, the two of you crash and burn for whatever reason. At the time, you may assign one meaning to what you wanted--that the person fulfilled your needs, or had stimulating conversations with you, but then, later, you look back on what the two of you had and apply the good things to your next relationship, and become a little wiser to look out for the things that might cause you to make the same mistakes.
This is what I strive to do, anyway. I do think that most interactions you have with people are meaningful, whether it's a friendship, relationship, fling, or whatever. Once a person becomes a part of your history, you're never going to forget them. Even if you hate them and the very thought of the person makes you physically ill, you've learned something. And that something had meaning at one time.
I think you're missing the point, SS. the question isn't just what's meaningful, but also, in order to develop the meaning spoken of, doesn't that take time? my answer is yes, it most certainly does.
So poster 6, how long does the learning take tobecome meaningful? Do you have to have meaningful to start a relationship, or can you just start because you have needs.
Will 3 dates have been meaningful, 6 dates, 12 dates?
Is learning meaningful, or just learning?
Some people say they won't be intimate with anyone unless it is meaningful, so is the first intimate time always meaningful, or maybe the third? How many times, or do you have meaningful even before you start?
Is that important really for the first intimate time to be meaningful, or can it just be out of need?
That's a highly individualized question, honestly, but I'll give you my answer, convoluted as it may be.
For me, the first time can be out of need. But that doesn't make it any less meaningful in the long run. Now, I'm not someone who has one night stands, and at the moment I'm in a committed relationship. I think, though, that no matter when or why you choose to sleep with someone, unless it is a one night stand, it does carry some meaning. I guess, due to my own experiences, I believe that something meaningful can grow out of lust. Of course, that can backfire just as easily, but either way, it still had meaning at the time. Whether you ever experience that meaning on a conscious level, where thoughts, emotions, and desires can all congregate to form a coherent set of words is another matter.
I know I'm not doing this justice, but it's hard for me to find the words to explain it. Sometimes these things don't have a clear answer, and my opinion may very well be completely different from the opinions of others.
It's silly that people would view certain relationships as meaningful. I guess the other ones are just meaningless, with nothing that is gained whatsoever. That's bull shit.
Well, that's an interesting perspective. I don't think I was saying that it's an all or nothing thing, really. I was just saying that different experiences carry more or less weight, depending on how emotionally invested you get.
Now we are getting to the issue emotion. Emotion is what drives people to think they were or are having a meaningful relationship, when in fact, they don’t really know the other person well enough.
Some people can, and do get extremely emotionally involved after the first date and blame the other person, that just had a good time, for not understanding a meaningful relationship. The reason for that is all relationships must have meaning right, or do they?
Do we as people allow yourself to get to emotionally attached, before it is right, and even fair to the other person, to quickly for our own good?
I had a date with Janice Saturday night, and we had a good time, and we seemed to agree on everything. I really like her, and think she could be my future wife. She returned my text message on Sunday saying thanks for the good time, and answered my email with the card saying thank you. It is Tuesday, and Janice hasn’t called me or returned my messages. Why not? We had such a meaningful time on Saturday, why did it take her until Thursday to call me back?
This is what I mean by humans, so some people placing too much weight on meaningful. Is it Janice’s fault she just had a good time and placed no meaning on the date Saturday night? It was nice, but she didn’t think it was life changing, nor did it cross her mind that I might be her future husband. The only thing Janice learned on Saturday was I didn’t really like peach ice cream.
Is she wrong?
ah I see the issue here. I'm trying to explain that I don't think that a meaningful relationship does not have to equal a relationship of which you plan to be serious about, or one that might proceed to be life long. If that doesn't make sense I'm not sure how else I can explain it. In short all relationships are meaningful, but not all relationships are at the same level of seriousness.
clearly, Wayne, the point will continue to be missed time and time again.
people are attaching meaningfulness to relationships, simply cause they're emotionally invested in them, and it'll be worse than pulling teeth to try and get them to understand that the meaningful part comes in time, not immediately. a relationship is not meaningful just cause it exists, in my opinion.
to give an example from my own life, when I called the rape crisis center and spoke with the woman who dealt with my case, our relationship wasn't automatically meaningful, simply cause I was talking to her, or cause she worked in the appropriate field. however, it became meaningful through the many conversations we had, the compassion she was showing towards me about what I had gone through, and the willingness to help wherever she could. see what I'm saying, now?
Yes, this is what I suspected that most people feel that every relationship is and should have meaning, when in reality they don’t.
This is the reason I think many people get hurt over and over again.
Janice finally called me on Thursday night, and when I ask her what she’d been up to, she willingly admitted she’d gone to the concert I’d invited her to, but she didn’t accept, and was out late the night before.
When I ask her who she went with, she told me a guy named John. I felt cheated on. I really thought we were getting some place and that our Saturday night date had meaning.
How could she see another guy after the great time we had?
I think it depends on the individual, for some feel they have to feel emotionally attached to a person for the relationship to have meaning. I personally think that for a relationship, call it a sweetheart, or friond, to be meaningful there has to be reasons as to why it is meaningful, and that takes time as you get to know the person. Maybe you might have a good concept of that person, but that doesn't make it meaningful. Also, if you feel it's meaningful to you, but it's not to the other person, then, is it a real meaningful relationship? Not all relationships with every person you know or meet have meaning, like Chelsea pointed out with her E.G.